Lazy Day - me and Davina made out. I mean worked out. Naturally.

And now - here's another poem, should hopefully be meeting Jefforama soon! 'Citing!

How to like pretentious music.

Dear pretentious music lover,
Or to whom it may concern,
I’ve been living undercover
Because I simply have to learn

How to like pretentious music
Or pretend to, like you do
My taste in songs would make you sick
I actually don’t mind U2

I can’t describe just quite how much
I really need your help,
My records need the magic touch
They don’t sing as much as yelp

So I tried to read the NME
But the pages were too shiny,
Tried to listen to Gwen Stefani
But her voice I find too whiney

If Goldilocks had a record player
I think she’d understand me
So could you please be my surveyor?
And feel free to reprimand me?

At all costs, lay into me
And not in the good way
Don’t accost me, I’m too gloomy
I’m a big walking cliché

I just want to be ‘the cool one’
Or pretend to, like you do
Because I listen to Elton John
Which I’ve heard is just taboo

I bought one of those Ipods
Under strictest of instructions
But they seem, at least to my eye - odd,
I’m confused by its construction

I’ve pressed every button available
Even checked you don’t need a key
But it’s completely unassailable
Where do I put my CD?

Am I missing something here?
Dear Pretentious music expert
Yours sincerely, girl living in fear
Thanks for reading this dull excerpt

Of my life and of my letter
Hope to hear back from you soon
For the worse, or for the better
I guess that’s the name of that tune.



Dear Girl Living in Fear,
You’re a lost cause, my dear
What good will it do
To try and change you

You haven’t a clue,
Of how exactly to
Like things that I do
You lost me at ‘U2’

Okay - Joshua’s Tree
Was quite easily
The best thing they did
Back when they were kids

So I’m just writing to enquire
Into this immediately dire
Poor taste in a group
Who’s music has had to stoop

To consuming in distortion
Foot pedals out of proportion
Unrealized, self-indulgent lyrics
That could bore to death any old cynic

I judge you’re mindless manner, low
If you listen to Barry Manilow
Your taste is far more than a mistake
Throw your Ipod in the lake

You’ve not a chance, you
Don’t even know who to dance to
You’re deception seeps right through
You can’t possibly choose who

Will make you feel great
Will help you celebrate
Who you close your eyes to
I mean - freaking U2...

Who makes you realize
That your inner self flies
When you just close your eyes
And fall to blissful demise

But - wait. That’s good!
I think maybe I should
Stop a moment and backtrack
Cut you a whopping chunk of slack

I sit at home all day and night
Browsing what I think’s wrong and right
My music collection is perfection
I’ve carefully crafted each section





Oh sure we can get jiggy
To Ziggy and Iggy,
From Beach boys to Kraftwerk
This life does have it’s perks

But I must admit to you.
I quite like Elton John too…
Rocket Man is quite a tune
It definitely sends me to the moon

But yes, I get exactly why
This new lifestyle you want to try
Your heart suffers a daily pang
Because as Elton John once sang…

You just want love!
I’ve sussed you out! I’ve cut above
My level - you’ve done nothing wrong
After all as someone once sang- this is ‘Your Song’

Oh god, what the hell am I doing?
I feel something new, something true, something brewing
The days have long passed since I was a Mick Jagger Teen
The closest to The Rolling stones I’ll ever get, is the magazine

In my skinny jeans I thought people looked up to me
But the reality is an NME has thrown up on me
I thought I was ‘all that’ to no ends
But now I’m a bit of a twat with no friends…

So in answer to your letter,
You’re ignorance is for the better
Some guilty pleasures are endearing
Don’t worry about how you’re appearing

To live a life adjusting the settings
On your ears and therefore letting
Yourself listen to bands that are apparently kitsch
Isn’t half as fun as a round of Bewitched…

So thank you for enlightening me
My thirst for authority is frightening me
Maybe…you and me could hang out some time?
Lay down some tunes, bang out the rhymes

You let me know, you say - okay?
I’m free all week - just name a day
Lots of Love Pretentious music fan (Just call me Stevie)
Now if you will excuse me, I must find that Take That Cd…